Bloonerism Spog

Heatless Mall-i-days

2009-12-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

All you vegetarians, get out your Spoon(erisms), and start enjoying your Meatless Holidays!
For you are about to experience one of the rarest of rare spoons: The Law of Commutativity (remember Algebra 101?) showing up in the spoonerized American language.

This Spoon reads the same meaning in both directions:

Tofurkey....Fauxturkey.

There it is! Har!

Frisbee Golf

2009-04-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

Frisbee Golf (Knotty Pine)

If you play frisbee golf and drink lots of beer,

While running round through the knotty pine.

You'll find you're delayed at the course's dogleg,

Where the front grind becomes the potty nine.

I Sleep Only on Pillows Made for REAL Men

2009-03-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

The pussy willow (lat.,salix discolor)

Most rugged outdoorsmen agree: "When you're miles from any sort of modern convenience and you need to rest your head a spell, you'd best not go using those soft, furry catkins of the salix variety. If you do, you end up with nothing more than a wussy pillow".

When I travel to India I enjoy sitting around on soft pillows, eating lots of hot, spicy food and visiting with my curry fatkins.

Suagar Bowl

2009-02-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

Greatly disappointed by the outcome of the game,

"My team", whined Nesbit, "was destined for Sugar Bowl fame".

So while 'inert and uncouth' became his theme the next week,

He created a booger shoal by the aquarium at his feet.

He left the edifice, a reef, by the tank for a year,

And the fish thought, "Awesome, a barrier, less fear!"

But the shoal, as it were, non-diatomaceous in formation,

Eroded with poor Nesbit and some of the college bowl nation.

Sakes Alive! Better Get to the Mailing Center.

2009-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

Octogenerian,Millie, wasn't feeling quite so trim,
So she decided, "By golly, I'll go workout at the gym".
She awoke the next morning confused, then exclaimed,
"Sakes alive, oh where have I been!?"
"I aches and saliv 'a 's drooling down my chin".

So she creaked down the street to the mailing center,
To confirm her own name through letters that were sent her.
It seemed to her that the identity crisis had spread,
For the owner had quit for the ocean and said,
"Given all the tacking and yawing I've logged in, I'll be a sailing mentor instead".

Copernicus: "I like my eggs with a sunny, runny center".

2009-02-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

A creative landlord cooked up an idea to fill vacancies in her declining apartment population.
"Live here, eat free!", began the wording on a sign she posted just outside the complex. "Complimentary continental breakfast every Sunday. Eggs anyway you like 'em".

Next morning, a man walks into her office. "Hello there", said he, "name's Copernicus. I'll sign for a flat if you'll let me".

While finalizing the rental agreement papers Copernicus gestured toward the landlord's posted offer of 'free breakfast on Sundays', and said, "By the way, I like my eggs with the yolk undeniably in the middle; you know, with a runny center".

In the days to come the landlord replaced the 'Free breakfast' offer with a 'No Vacancies' sign, received monthly payments from a contented group of tenants, and read essays of the Ptolemaic system: Suggested readings from a certain centripetal and sunny renter.

The Conflict of Science and Religion

2009-02-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

Theology, a girder in the Foundation of Creationism

Charles, a student of science and proud crewmember sailing throughout the longitudinal essays aboard Darwin's Beagle, felt he had finally gained some latitude in support of his Uniformitarian leanings while stranded in thought exploring some isolated Galapagos. "Theology", said Charles, "a girder in the foundation of Creationism, has essentially refused to gaze through Galileo's telescope, revealing the phases of Venus. Geology effectively repudiates any claim by Creationists to the origin of the species: One must look no further than the third-er fourth layer of sediment on the Earth's crust for supportive evidence on a tectonics scale. The mantle of truth lies deep beneath the grounds of de-feet."

A Chef and a Music Theory Student

2009-01-29T13:08:00.000-08:00

Rack of Lamb

Note: This spoonerism is used with permission from my son, Aaron, a chef at The Georgian Restaurant in the Olympic Fairmont Hotel. He related to me that when discussing some menu items with his co-workers, he accidentally said, 'lack of ram'.

General panic and commotion ensued when the kitchen staff discovered that their online order for a rack of lamb never materialized. It was later determined that the computer used to place the order failed to submit the request due to a lack of ram.

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Exam Time in Music Theory Class

A second year theory student scratched his gourd,
As he gazed at the staff lines on the Prof's chalk board.

As the pupil 'figured' the bass, "Baroque sure had its place",
He thought, then produced the answer, "a Bach chord!".

A Nose For Success

2009-01-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

A Notion to Pose

Mr. Durante had a notion to pose for the press,
"A potion for the nose", said a reporter, "would be best".
"There's a clause", said Jimmy, "within my fame-laden contract,
It states, 'My schnaz remains gargantuan and largely intact'".

Hot Kiss

2009-01-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

Melodramaticist and actor named Chris,
Had a scene in Act II which involved a hot kiss.
With his lips firmly planted his ear caught a hiss,
From row three, the fiancee of the actress cast, 'Miss'.

The Lost Knight at the Long Table

2009-01-15T17:02:00.000-08:00

This poon spoem highlights four separate spoonerisms and just happens to follow the rules of cadence described by the limmerick. It is not a strict limmerick because the last line must rhyme with the first.

The lone Knight, he sat at the Long Table,
And stared blankly at the tong label.
"For the salad, I presume",
As he hummed a sad tune,
And expected he'd arrived a tad soon.

His fellow Knights, at the Round Table that night,
Signed his pack,said, "Alas!, he's not got it quite right".
"Fare thee well", they all said,
"Where thee fell you're sure dead",
Whilst the Knight mostly pined for his sack.

A Spoonerpoem on Dark Beer

2009-01-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

A doe in the wood,
Gets into your camp,
Drinks up all your dark beer.

She can forget what she is,
Act like a dog,
And become a slobbery bark deer.

Then, the reeling deer,
The one that drank beer,
Might stumble and lurch and fall down.

Near a pond or a river,
On a bank, feeling drear,
While you pack up and head for town.

Swordsman Sam

2009-01-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

Oh, and how so many childhood hours I did spend imagining that I was the victorious, weapon-wielding hero. It is in the spirit of a child's world that I give you this spoonerpoem, Swordsman Sam.

Little four year old Swordsman Sam, one day,
Packed up a sandwich, some chips and his blade.

He set out for the backyard to find the dark cave,
Where the fire-breathing creature and its treasure did lay.

Then, as the beast emerged from the dark with a scream,
Sam's unsheathed sword in the sunlight did gleam,
And with a bim! and a bam! that dragon he slayed.

Happy Birthday Jen!

2009-01-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

This poon spoem is dedicated to my daughter Jen on this, her twenty-sixth revolution around the Sun.

My daughter and her brother...

My daughter and her brother,
They went out as two shopppers,
On her birthday kind of day.

He surprised her and bought her,
A certain special druther,
And she wore it when they attended the play.

Spoonerinspirations

2009-01-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Nappy Yew, Hear?

The following spoonerinspiration is a poem in two parts. The first part inspired by The Professor, the second part inspired by The Teacher. It is one poem described as 'two- part', primarily because the cadence of the second part differs from the first.

Bartholomew III, proud American to the last,

Loved his baseball, his barbeques, and his corned beef hash.

Heir to an estate, and following an investment deal clash,

He turned a Texas ranch purchase into horned beef cash.

His lovely big sister threw him a formal, fancy party.

She served too many beans,

So they all changed into jeans,

And had an eruptive pantsy farty.

Tripods, Java Logs and Truck Beds

2008-12-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sam affixed his camera to the tripod as he prepared to document the annual dessert-smashing events, the Cake Walk and the Pie Trod.

Hawaiian and Kona coffee grower, Latte Latte, went on his daily lava jogs not only for exercise but as a time to reflect on his burgeoning, used coffee ground recycling business, Java Logs.

Poacher Dan heaved the elk into the truck bed, confident he had removed any nearby signs of buck tread.

Cows in the Meadow

2008-12-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

Spoons Become You

A sudden drop in demand for dairy-based pizza topping becomes engorged udders in the field (so I've he(a)rd) with teats a' popping.

A Taste of Honey and the Golfer's Bane

2008-12-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

A Taste of Honey

Late for delivery, a truck driver for "A Taste of Honey" sped along the country highway with his two thousand pounds of product. Nearby, two apiarists stood up from their work and one said to the other, "Look, it's a haste of ton-ey".

A Golfer's Bane

Many a golfer considers landing a drive on a green with a 6% grade a 'bane in the putt'. "It's really a pain in the butt", say others.

Power Surge

2008-12-15T23:25:00.000-08:00

While a detox engineer was testing his electric powered lemon enema machine, there came a power surge. The end result was a sour purge.

Tickle the Keys and you'll get Honey

2008-12-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

Another Spoonerriddle:

What is an apiarist's favorite triad at the keyboard?

Remember, spooneriddles are solved by spoonerizing words within the question.
(Hint to the answer: Spoonerizing a compound word is fair game)

Answer: The B Chord

Is There a Pink Flamingo in Your Front Yard?

2008-12-12T17:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I heard a snicker,
From my neighbor, "Willy the Whale",
As he crept away from my front yard,
Having left a wicker snail.

Hot Dog

2008-12-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

When giant frankfurter online business, Hot Dog, began to monopolize and squeeze out the little guy, it became a dot hog.

Mineral Bath and an Easy Chair

2008-12-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

Mineral Bath

So it happened one evening while immersed in a mineral bath, that a bright young geology student, in a sudden flash, formulated a stunning new breakthrough termed, 'Bi-neral Math'.

Easy Chair

Composer Carl, from his easy chair, overtured his opera with a cheesy air. The opera, the tale of a smitten Moor who camped in the winter, wore only one mitten and enjoyed a good smore.

Food Etiquette, A Poem

2008-12-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

You said that you liked it,
But then wouldn't eat,
When you asked me to pickle your fig.

Don't ask for food, mate,
Then have a cake-eating spate,
Or you'll be known as a fickle old pig.

A Child, Brothers, some Gravy, and a Riddle

2008-12-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Felt Smelt

A young child created a felt smelt. "Fish is good!", she thought and sampled the cloth with a bite. The following sensation pasted her taste, so she smelt the felt and tasted some paste.

Good Snood

For hairless gravy a cook must wear a snood that is good. It takes a fine seamer to make a good snood.

Smothers Brothers

Tommy, of the famous comic duo, The Smothers Brothers, once said, "Mom always liked you best!". The Brothers' Mother's still out on jury.

A Hobbit spooneriddle

Where is it that Sam Gamgee rides his unicycle with the shiny tire?
(The answer is found by spoonerizing two words in the question)

Take a Walk

2008-12-03T16:46:00.000-08:00

The father thought, "If we take a walk, I can perhaps wake a talk from my brooding son".

Smoked Turkey, Anyone?

2008-12-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Spoons Become You entry:

Smoked Turkey Tom won Queen Mary Jane's hand to the Prom and became toked smirkey.

Big man Tex ate some tainted ground beef and became a state of bloated, bound grief.

College freshman, Art, bought pub missles, a British board; made chili, invited mates. They all practiced their dart form, the room soon became the fart dorm.

I'm Just Wired This Way

2008-12-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

Why spoonerism? To me, one may ask these same questions: Why Limmerick?; Why Hai-Ku?; Why Iambic Pentameter?; Why Nursery Rhyme? Why not, I say. I guess I was just born wired this way and can no longer ignore the transpositional possibilities of the English language. The act of spoonerizing becomes manifest with me on a daily basis and I feel compelled now, with a nudge from good family and friends, to pursue this blog with hopes of some modicum of cleverness deserved of this language, or to simply harness the many tangents offered up by my brainmind. As a musician/entertainer, I've discovered that I live very much in the ethers, so to speak, and find that the process of organising language is, at least, a step closer to concrete thinking. I'll just say it is a rather 'grounding' process for me.

So, good people, I am going to begin this path with some initial entries. If you are a 'puritanical spoonerist' and become alarmed at what liberties I've taken with the ensuing posts, please bear with me, for I venture into this fray only knowing not what I don't.

-Mr. Darby/Musicman

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Spoons Become You(Spoonegory I)

A hound dog losing control of a Harley Davidson Electra-Glide becomes a downed hog.

A teddy bear with sharp claws becomes a beddy tear.

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Turnabout's Fair Play(Spoonegory II)

Bad tempered Marge Sable, who had a short fuse, moved to Fort Shuse and became Sarge Mable.

Before the gale blew in, hay farmer Jim did some preventive bale gluin'.

No one saw what the plane dropped, but out of its drain plopped some cheese. The cheese lit on a wide, flat rock and drew a large rat flock.

When cheese lover, Frenchman Henrie met Henchman Fenrie, he turned his tree braiding obsession into a brie trading profession.

Definition of Spoonerism

2008-12-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

Spoonerism (n.) a transposition, usu. accidental, of the initial letters, etc., of two or more words, e.g., you have hissed the mystery lectures.

This definition taken from The Oxford American Dictionary of Current English.

Pirst Fost!

2008-11-30T15:06:00.000-08:00

Homage to the glory of Spoonerisms!